Sustainers and Destructors


I am on the red-eye tonight to New Jersey. I’m going back to visit family and to participate in the ceremony of interring my parent’s ashes in the new columbarium niche we bought.

I’m in the height of my sustainers vs. destructors clash. As I write this my left leg is shaking at sprinters speed, and the background rumble in my head is the repeating phrase of “go find some chocolate, chips, cookies….”

This for me is a clear indication that my destructors are on the offensive. There are many reasons why my Sustainers vs. Destructors skirmish is raging before going home. The list of oxymoron examples to describe returning to family and choices from the past, reads like a English Composition lecture; quiet scream, bitter sweet, controlled enthusiasm, absolutely unsure, fictional truth, love hate, open minded, passive aggressive, all alone, love hurts, sweet sorrow.

Going home is not the only event to trigger my S vs. D internal squabble. Just about any opportunity that involves anxiety, being unsure of myself and second-guessing my choices will bring out my flower child sustainers and G.I. Joe destructors to clash.

One of the first exercises in personal growth that I did, many years ago, was to identify “ Daily Habits That Sustain Me”. The word ‘habit’ for me was always preceded by the word ‘bad’. So to shift my thinking to things I do on a regular basis that support and enliven me was huge.

Subsequently, I have identified a list of actions that don’t sustain me. And over the years I came to think of my lists as my sustainers and destructors.

My platoon of sustainers holds in its’ ranks, long walks along the water, reading the Sunday New York Times, fresh flowers in my home, petting my cat, Mel, reading a good book, gardening, curling up with Mel in my lap to watch a Netflix, listening to music, and meditating.

My squad of destructors has in its’ service, eating when not hungry, biting my nails, torturing myself with thoughts of things I wish I had done or not done, sleeping when not tired, channel surfing when nothing on TV appeals to me to watch and making up excuses to not exercise.

I try through my days to be aware when my negative emotions have decided to leak inky dye on the whites of my positive feelings, like a washing machine full of darks and lights.

As today moves toward evening and my anxiety mixed joyful anticipation of being with my family envelopes me, I decide it’s time for a truce between my sustainers and destructors. G.I. Joe destructor brings a huge chuck of chocolate to the peace table and my flower child sustainer brings a knife. With a sweet smile she cut me a tiny piece and bags the rest to put in the freezer.

As I savor the silkiness of the chocolate on my tongue, I realize that sometimes, in times of nervous expectation, it’s all in the compromise.